Is love about honesty ? For real. Is it really what makes up a relationship ? When I think about it, I think I don't know the answer anymore.
I used to think that the more you are honest, the more you can express yourself, the stronger your relationships are likely to be. However, when I look around me, honesty is not the solution in many cases. What if the other does not fit ? What if he or she simply cannot do something you need ? What does honesty tells us to do in that kind of context ? I do not have the answers and I don't think anyone has them. I love toxic persons and I love persons that simply can't change. This is not a proof of disrespect, and I try as hard as I can to feel like so. I think love is not about honesty because love is not about being able to listen, to hear, to understand, to comprehend the feelings of the person we are talking to. I think love is more about being interested into how the other works, about what the other feels like. Being curious but never judging. I think that, at the end of the day, loving is not about caring as much as we think but more about accepting.
It's about accepting that the other is not perfect, the other is not the person we think he or she would initially be. It's about letting the other evolve freely, it's about letting it go sometimes. I think that I have never loved myself more than when I let those damn tears out. This was nothing like honesty. Swann would probably say that it was just him going with the flow... There is still something I don't get however. Where is the line between letting it go, allowing the other to evolve without trying to interfere and indiference ? I mean... I genuiely don't care about strangers but that doesn't mean I love them, right ? I'm still troubled about that.
I think that after all of that time I discovered my "love language" as I've heard so many people mentionning it. I think I feel deeply love when I'm being asked a question. I noticed how bad europeans are at asking questions and more importantly, at returning questions. This is a topic that's been on for as long as I remember writing but it is still so true today.
I love to talk about me, just like so many people do. But for me, I think that I kinda have this filter that does not allow me to answer honestly if I don't feel a true interest in the question from the person asking. And here we go again... Coming back again to honesty. I don't know right. The thing is I don't fucking know what to do. WHO THE HELL DOES ?
I probably don't love as I should and I probably can't explain clearly what I want and sometimes I just feel like a piece of shit having all of this feeling inside and not being able to let anything out. Yes, that's my thing, still, after all of this years, after all I've been through, I'm still fighting deep inside for just allowing myself to be me. I hate sounding so dramatic. I have a friend here, actually a couple of friends, I kind of allow myself to talk to. Maybe is it because this friendships are time framed ? Possible. I don't know. A part of me wishes that it's just because I became such a better version of myself. God, I hate this expression... There is no better version of myself. There is the person I am and that's it. I just have to deal with it now.
Is love about honesty ? Maybe. But the honesty needs to remain personal. I love as truely as I can and that is pure honesty to me. I have tried to love in the most honest way many times. I don't think that it is the best way to love. I don't know the best way to love in fact. But there is people around me that tell me they never loved. I feel so sad for them. I think that if you have never loved, you have never suffered. When your world is falling appart, when you do not have anything to grab, when every piece of your reality vanishes slowly, pain is the last thing you can hang on to. It is the very last feeling that keep telling you "it has been, and no one can change anything about that". When your world does not exists anymore, when you do not feel like yourself, pain keeps you alive, moving, because you are not very smart if you go in hell by yourself, but you're definitely stupid if you decide to stay there.
Is love about honesty ? I do not have this answer, and that's for sure as honest as I can be.